I'm About To Come Alive

I've got this song stuck in my head, it's all I want to listen to lately: "I'm About To Come Alive" by Train (don't judge, Train is fucking awesome). I feel like the last few years have been a list I've needed to check off, and while there was the occasional joyful experience to get me through to the next, I am actually of the opinion that EVERY DAY should be a joyful experience. I know that might seem unreasonable. No one is happy all the time, and we grow from grief and even from discomfort. But being joyful is not the same as being happy. This might be controversial, but I am someone who has happy moments - I do not think of myself as someone who is happy.

Paulo Coelho has a monologue in one of his books in which a character says, "I say, are you happy? And they say of course. I say, do you want more? Do you want to travel more, make more money, meet someone to love? And they of course. I say, then you're not happy."

I believe some people achieve real happiness. They get all the things they want. I think my mother is one of them, most days. I am not. I have learned to always want more, strive for more, fight for more, work for more - so happiness, looking around and knowing you have everything you want, I don't think I will ever have that. What I WILL have, I hope, is joy and contentment. I am content every day with my life. If I died today I would have no regrets, but I would have many things I hadn't done yet. As for the joy, I put a lot of joy on hold in order to check things off the list: recognizable professional accomplishments, growing impressive resume, opportunity to live and work among powerful media and political elite, check check check.

But I am about to come alive :)