I'm About To Come Alive

I've got this song stuck in my head, it's all I want to listen to lately: "I'm About To Come Alive" by Train (don't judge, Train is fucking awesome). I feel like the last few years have been a list I've needed to check off, and while there was the occasional joyful experience to get me through to the next, I am actually of the opinion that EVERY DAY should be a joyful experience. I know that might seem unreasonable. No one is happy all the time, and we grow from grief and even from discomfort. But being joyful is not the same as being happy. This might be controversial, but I am someone who has happy moments - I do not think of myself as someone who is happy.

Paulo Coelho has a monologue in one of his books in which a character says, "I say, are you happy? And they say of course. I say, do you want more? Do you want to travel more, make more money, meet someone to love? And they of course. I say, then you're not happy."

I believe some people achieve real happiness. They get all the things they want. I think my mother is one of them, most days. I am not. I have learned to always want more, strive for more, fight for more, work for more - so happiness, looking around and knowing you have everything you want, I don't think I will ever have that. What I WILL have, I hope, is joy and contentment. I am content every day with my life. If I died today I would have no regrets, but I would have many things I hadn't done yet. As for the joy, I put a lot of joy on hold in order to check things off the list: recognizable professional accomplishments, growing impressive resume, opportunity to live and work among powerful media and political elite, check check check.

But I am about to come alive :)

Dear Maria

Today- FINALLY- and probably short-lived the sun came out! So I was pretty inspired to write =) also, I just had an amazing conversation with asst 2 and I'm going to just go ahead and publish it. I went to a Georgetown graduation ceremony last night and I looked around me and thought to myself "i have this feeling that after rwanda i have ABSOLUTELY no clue what i'm going to do."

I have all kinds of possibilities- I will only be 25 years old and will have amassed about 50 years of experiences, stories, and life altering choices. 25. If I'm lucky, I've only lived the first 1/4 of my life (oh yea, my stubborn self is totally going for 100!) and I've gotten to do so much. Meet celebrities, attend historical events, drink in bars that are famous, live in a city that is exciting, pay more in rent than my parents pay in their mortgage, and NOW- NOW I'm going to AFRICA!!!

And there is so much more that I want to do. I want to go to Burning Man. I want to live in Manhattan. I want to live in Los Angeles. I want to own a house in Indiana. I want to teach a class. I want to fill up my passport.

Maybe i'm just not meant to do this whole career til ya die thing. Right now, I don't love my job everyday I come into work- I get through the day- then prepare myself to get through the next day. I want to be so excited about what I'm doing. and- I don't want to settle until I find it. Maybe Africa is an interlude- but maybe, hopefully- it's a door that has been just dying to open for 24 years. Perhaps, I will be lucky enough that it is going to be the door that leads into something brand new and exciting.

So, when i leave DC, i'm leaving with a high heart- even though i like to complain about the city- there is no way would i have had it any other way. I would have dated the guys I dated, drank the amount I drank, lived in the scary basement apartment I lived in (perhaps I would have decided to take my laptop with me during that whole robbery thing- I really miss that little mac). I have gotten to live an entire 18 years worth of life in less than three years and I've never had to think "what if."

SO in closing, I want to end this with a quote from my friend Sam. He's lead an amazing life, he's young, a beauftiful family, he has an awesomely successful business- and his business is quite literally "Catalyzing social change with youth." It is a career that I envy so much.

"if this economic meltdown has taught you anything let it be that there are more important things than a career. let it be that you need to live, because you never know when things can be turned upside down."*

*disclaimer: I didn't get that exactly right, since it is from memory and it was about 3 weeks ago he said that. Sam if you're reading, go ahead and comment the quote below =) =)

Can We Just Skip To The Good Parts?

Over the next 7 1/2 months, in addition to saving and preparing for my trip to Rwanda, I am also moving and applying to grad school. I keep thinking - what if I don't get in? What if I don't have time to apply before I leave and have to wait another year, what will I do with that time? And literally every time I think it my brain says, "I'll deal with it when I get back from Rwanda." Who knows what experiences I'll have there or what I'll think about my future when I get back? And when the universe closes a door it opens a window for you to leap onto the pavement from, or something.

Meanwhile I also fell in love with an idea for a blog and the domain name is free, and I'm viciously tempted.

today is fun because to day my life is reminiscent of the blockbuster "Devil Wears Prada." So clearly, I'll take to the blog world =)

Last night though, I got to tell a cab driver - since cab rides are anonymous and what not - about my trip to Rwanda and when I told him it was an adventure he said "You think deese is goin ta be an adventure?" I said "Of Course! It's going to be awesome!" and he looked in the rearview mirror, shrugged his shoulders and said "Good for you." I guess, apparently, I'm pretty lucky and blessed to have that outlook on life!

Fun Fact/Photo/Thoughts Time!!

-Did you know there are no plastic bags allowed in Rwanda? They will search your luggage at customs to ensure you're not bringing any into the country.

-The infamous "Hotel Rwanda" is called Hotel Des Mille Collines (Hotel amongst a million hills) and I would love to visit there. Apparently- there is a cabana bar by the pool....

-My buddies at charity:water would love to help this guy. I would like to learn how to carry a jerrycan on my head.

-Children in Kigali... I really hope to just make one's life better and make a few smile like they are in this photo.

-I dont know how these ladies know, but they are totally rocking the color of the season- tangerine!

-this photo means one word to me: Hope. Hope of children playing in the school yards of Kigali without a care in the world. I hope to help.

-I love a local farmers market. I think I am going to REALLY love a local African market.

Visual Effects

I remember when my friend went to Israel (I need to do birthright before I hit the age limit, but given my mother's reaction to Africa, I think I'll wait awhile before I hit her with the Middle East). When she got back she was loopy with jet lag, going through pictures with us: "And those are evergreens, and next to them are bananas. You would think that these would be tropical! But this is not the case." Then she showed us a series of pictures of tiles she took in an amazing palace she had no pictures of, because she thought the tiles would look good in her future kitchen.

I think the visuals of Rwanda speak for the country better than I ever could - worth 1000 words and all that - and paint a different picture of the country than you would imagine.

This, for instance, is not what I first pictured re: Africa:

I would like to see this:

I totally want to see these:

I am clearly obsessed with seeing one of these, AND I AM SURE YOU CAN SEE WHY:

Friggin awesome. And maybe a little fuzzy dude:

This kind of makes me want to pack tonight.

Clean Livin'

So, 1 & 2 spent time with the familia de 2 this weekend and it was awesome. We had lots of good food, good beer and good times. I personally, have not laughed that hard in a really long time. It was also really great to be surrounded by a lot of people supporting us as we're preparing for Rwanda. We got a lot of "seize the day!"'s and "do it while you're young"'s and the omnipresent "you're going to have such an adventure"'s. It got me to thinking about family...

My family is awesome- I love them for all the flaws and dysfunction we have, because they love me with all my flaws and neurosis. I could spend a whole day listening to their stories. I wonder what stories I will have to bring back as I get older and my nieces and cousins start asking more about my stories. I wonder what kind of legacy I'll help build for my family. As I watched uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters, I thought about my own brother and sister and what kind of family we would lead in ten, twenty years.

Back to Rwanda though, I think we'll become part of a whole new family, an international one. I wonder if it will be similar to when I was a camp counselor- and all the counselors and staff really became one huge family- with our own problems, troubled siblings and memories. I always find shared experiences to be the biggest uniter of people-- and I am so excited to meet these people that will make up such a huge experience in my life!